Hello darkness

I am depressed again. I have tried to put a spin on that sentence that would cheer it up, give it some kind of jaunty ironic twist, make it less depressed sounding, but nothing's coming to me. This time I guess I could say I have the tools to get better faster, that I understand what's wrong and what it means. I promised myself when I started feeling better this summer: You'll do X or you'll do Y if you start to feel that way again. Yet I didn't count on—apparently didn't remember—how numbing the effect is. You see the tools from across the room and realize that there is no way you have the energy to get up and get them. And it's hard to trust those tools, because here I am back down.

One thing that helps is that this summer I went as far down as anyone can go without ending up the hospital. I know that. I suppose another person might have landed in the hospital, might not have been able to fight hard enough to avoid it.

Friends of mine helped me celebrate my birthday in September, and as we sat at a picnic table outside I found myself suddenly talking about quitting alcohol. They say in AA that when you get up to tell your story, you never know what's going to come out. I just started to talk and I noticed everyone around the table getting quiet, just listening, so I kept talking. It didn't seem hard to say.

Afterward one of my friends came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "Do you realize how strong you are?" she asked me. It surprised me. Is that what I am? 

I'm holding on to that now, that even though the wrecking ball has swung back into the picture, I can dodge it, or catch it somehow and push it clear of my life. Man, I hate the weight of that thing. It's heavier than the world. And turning to see it pulling back as it picks up momentum to swing toward me, having to position my feet to brace myself for it, that is where the exhaustion is. 

Get out of the way, I want to yell to everyone around me. This thing has my name on it.

Comments

[Dawn]

Oh, crap. F**king depression. I hate it so.

"You see the tools from across the room and realize that there is no way you have the energy to get up and get them."

This has to be one of the best descriptions of depression I've ever heard.

Hang in there. Hope things lighten up a bit for you soon.